Dear Mr. Thompson,
It is with great concern and anguish that I sit down to write you this letter. I can only begin by trying to describe the important role you have played in shaping an entire generation, so that you will hopefully understand the place of love this letter is coming from…
Your portrayal of mouthy, inner city, street hockey enthusiast Russ Tyler was nothing short of legendary. An entire generation of young people were influenced by your “jive”character, and the lessons you taught about the true spirit of hockey. And of course the lasting effect of the realistic insider look you gave us to the thriving Los Angeles street hockey scene present in the African American community is immeasurable.
I sincerely believe that before the first clang of puck in overturned garbage can, you had begun to hold up a mirror for hockey fans everywhere to examine their passion for the sport versus the corporate agenda of advertisers. And you didn’t let up until the end of the movie when the team proudly took the ice for the third period in their brand new Anaheim Mighty Ducks jerseys. (Suck it, Team Iceland. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!)
And don’t even get me started on the genius of the “knuckle puck.” Seriously, I challenge you to find me one young hockey player that hasn’t tried to work this trick shot of all trick shots into their game. Go ahead, I’ll wait…
While I’m waiting, I’ll get to the point of this letter.
You are in danger.
No, not physical danger, like the kind often faced by your coach, Emilio Estevez, but danger of undermining your legacy; of erasing all the good you have done in the world…
You see, with every passing season on Saturday Night Live you chisel away at this legacy, sketch by sketch, by turning in performance after performance of different ‘characters’ with the same exact voice and delivery. It’s almost like you’re just… playing yourself for money.
Please stop this insanity! The world can’t bear any more.
Sure, it’s funny in small doses -  like when you get emailed a YouTube link of a sketch once a year or whatever - but the idea is to have people watch the entire show every week right?
I mean yeah, if you want to just look at the odd sketch you could be considered the funniest cast member on the show in the last twenty years not named Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon, Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, Tracy Morgan, Chris Parnell, Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Will Forte, Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Taran Killam, Jay Pharoah, Aidy Bryant, Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong, Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney, Leslie Jones, Mikey Day, Alex Moffat, Melissa Villaseñor, Heidi Gardner, Chris Redd, or Bowen Yang, which I’ll admit is a special honor that nobody can take away from you.
However, Mr. Thompson, I think if you take a good, hard, honest look in the mirror you will have to admit that your fans expect a little more from the creator of the greatest trick shot in hockey history.

Sincerely,
Brady.lol

Local police officer Randy Smith, inspired by touching stories of ‘hero’ cops treating minorities like actual human beings, wanted to get in on the action himself. A little over 3 months ago, officer Smith made the decision that would forever change his life. When he responded to a noise complaint at the 3rd St. residence of the Jenkins family, the officer knew it was time to act, and his friends and fellow officers still can’t believe what he did.

“When I opened the door and saw a white officer standing there, I admit I was a little scared.” Remarked Nicole Jenkins, who lived in the home with her husband Shawn and their two children. “I mean, with everything going on in the country it’s easy to panic a little when you’re black and the police show up at your door, innocent or not.”

Even though the Jenkins’ weren’t the perpetrators of the noise violation, the event still changed the lives of everyone involved.

“I had been wanting to make a difference for a while, but I felt like the right opportunity wasn’t coming along for me.” Reported Smith. “I was at least hoping for the chance to buy groceries for someone caught stealing to feed their family, but that doesn’t happen nearly as often as you would think. When I responded to that noise complaint and black people opened the door I knew I had to act.”

And act, he did.

“When he asked to come in we thought he just wanted to ask us a few questions about the loud neighbors two doors down.” Jenkins told reporters. “But then he started folding the basket of laundry we had sitting on the couch and insisting we call him ‘Randall’. He was doing some sort of awful accent, I think he was trying to sound British. We were terrified at first, but folding laundry is my least favorite chore so I didn’t want him to stop.”

“With that first basket of laundry out of the way, I knew I had taken the first step.” Beamed Smith. “Ever since I was a kid watching Mr. Belvedere I have always wanted to be a wisecracking butler. When I discovered Jeffrey from Fresh Prince and even Wadsworth from Clue, I knew what I was meant to do with my life.”

After being repeatedly turned down by the International Butler Academy, Mr. Smith settled into a career in law enforcement where he wouldn’t have to deal with the rigorous screening process. But he was never truly satisfied.

“Sure, lots of people dream of being a wisecracking cop, it was fine. You can’t really crack as wise as movies would lead you to believe though. People are so sensitive these days. Plus the running, and dealing with bad guys is pretty crappy. When you’re a butler you get to dress nicely, running is considered unprofessional, and the closest you have to get to bad guys is occasionally throwing DJ Jazzy Jeff out of a foyer or vestibule.”

After three months of service, the Jenkins family has started adjusting to their new manservant, though not without concerns.

“I mean, it was like super awkward at first. After that first basket of laundry he just started dusting things. I assume he was worried we were going to ask him to leave so every time we would address him he would stop the bad British accent and start some horribly offensive one that I couldn’t quite place, and insisting that he didn’t speak English. Eventually we were exhausted and just let him keep going, thinking he’d leave when he was finished.”

However, Officer/Butler Smith had other ideas.

“Failure wasn’t an option, I knew this was my only chance. Whenever they looked like they were going to talk to me I pulled out a character I hadn’t used since the undercover mission in 2003 where we got made and my partner was killed. My ‘no English’ guy never lets me down. Plus the next day I helped little Tommy with his bully problem and I’ve been working here ever since.”

When asked about this bully situation, Shawn Jenkins remarked: “Yeah, that was bad. Our son Tommy said he felt that another 8 year old boy in the neighborhood didn’t like him very much. Randall sat down to talk to him and ask him a few questions, I assumed he was going to give him a pep talk about confidence or being a good friend. The next day, the whole city was on alert because a neighborhood boy on his way to school had been ‘pepper sprayed to within an inch of his life’… We try not to bring it up.”

As for how they are adjusting to life with a butler, Nicole said: “Honestly, it’s nice to have the help. He’s always here to tidy up, cook meals, answer the phone and the door, he runs a pretty tight ship. We don’t pay him, I’m not sure what he does for money, or where he sleeps for that matter, but it sure is nice not to have to do our own butling anymore.”

When we attempted to question Mr. Smith about these things, he started to reach for what we can only assume was a can of pepper spray and we decided to quickly take our leave.

“I said good day sir.”

Since the discovery of the color spectrum, there have always been challenges faced by certain colors.  Yellow has cowardice, Blue and Red have gang violence. And of course we are all old enough to remember the whole Skittles ‘taste the rainbow’ gay propaganda scandal.

Now, in the wake of the Trump presidency, representatives for the color orange have announced plans to hire noted PR firm Pinkerton, Stevenson & McHue to repair damage done to their brand.

“We used to be a well respected color, we had carrots, we had Creamsicles, we had Beaker the Muppet.  But now we’re the laughing stock of colors and that needs to change. The color orange isn’t normally associated with skin tone, so we have avoided association with racism for thousands of years.  Then all of a sudden BOOM orange: racist. We knew we had to do something, …and fast.”

“At the end of the day we decided to go with PS&M after seeing the work they did for Green after that whole Monster Energy/Drywall punching situation. Things were getting pretty sketchy there for a while, granted that turned out to be pretty minor compared to the atrocities committed by that Mango Mussolini Motherf- Oh no. Uh, I mean, don’t print that. Did you know that human eyes perceive orange when observing light with a dominant wavelength between roughly 585 and 620 nanometers? Orange is the new black? Have you seen that show? This interview is over.”

When reached for comment, executives from PS&M released the following statement:

We are confident we will do for Orange what we did for Brown. Now, it may not be as easy as sticking some googly eyes on a pile of poop and calling it an emoji, but we’re up for the challenge.

TLC, the network that brought you hit shows such as Little People Big World, 17 Kids and Counting, 19 Kids and Counting, sMothered, My 600 Pound Life, Dr. Pimple Popper and 37 variations of 90 Day Fiancé is casting for its upcoming 2021 lineup. If you are interested in the kind of fame or infamy that only scripted reality TV exposure can deliver, read the list below and apply to any and all roles you feel you are suited for. Due to the high volume of applications submitted, only successful applicants will be contacted.

Ice Road Hookers – Seeking escorts/companions of any gender, because an icy road is a lonely road.

Little People, Big Boobs – Seeking ‘little people’ (of any gender) willing to let our cameras follow along on their journey to get enormous breast implants.

Sweet Mother of God, Stop Counting – Seeking oddly creepy parents willing to exploit their incredibly large families for fun and profit.

90 Day Fiancé: Unbelievable – Seeking stock photo models who struggle with online dating due to catfishers using your photos for evil.

Say Yes to the Prenup – Seeking wealthy men engaged to high maintenance women with “crazy eyes” looking for the perfect prenuptial agreement to protect their assets while avoiding a fight that could potentially get you stabbed with a broken wine glass.

Queer Eye for the KKK – Seeking ignorant hilbilies with poor grooming habits and a heart of gold. Fellas, put down those torches and pick up some moisturizer, the Fab Five are headed south.

Pimp my Lawn: featuring Xzibit – Seeking homeowners with responsibilities that realize a little landscaping is more beneficial to their net worth than spinning rims and a karaoke bar in their Dodge Caravan.

In a move that can only be described as inspirational, Irwin Marvinson (46 but looks 68), the world’s sickest man, upped his game earlier this week and slipped in an icy parking lot. 

“You know, some people would coast after holding the title of world’s sickest man for 8 years straight, but that’s not how I was raised.” Marvinson told reporters. “I live my life by the Japanese principle of Kaizen or constant improvement. Sure, I already only have about 15% lung capacity, and a slight gust of wind will peel my skin like a slice of processed cheese, and people tell me I usually smell like some odd sort of cheese. Hmm, I wonder if I have some sort of undiagnosed cheese related illness. Excuse me while I consult a specialist…”

But it’s not all fun and games for the local telemarketer/pharmacy M.V.P. 

“Juggling what would be a lifetime worth of doctor’s appointments to a normal man every month with a full time job isn’t easy.  Being incredibly frail isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either, I mean the slip and fall accident I suffered would have given anyone a healthy bruise, a senior citizen could have easily broken a hip.  My bones are mostly powder so it’s off to another specialist for me.”

Most of Marvinson’s coworkers are supportive.

“In a day and age where people put the minimum effort into almost everything, here is a guy at the top of his sickness game, continuing to put the work in day after day. You’ve gotta respect that. Normally you hate to see a guy take a fall like that, especially at his age, I mean what is he, 70? The only bad thing is how much we miss him when he’s off sick or at the lung specialist or the stomach specialist or the arthritis doctor or the regular doctor or the dentist or the pharmacy. This place just isn’t the same without the faint smell of cheese in the air.”

So in a world that seems overwhelmed with problems, you can rest easy knowing that Irwin Marvinson is hard at work creating generational wealth for a small portion of the medical community. Not all heroes wear capes.

What started out as a bit of fun turned into a bit of a nightmare for one Saskatchewan resident.

“When my grandson showed me how to set up a Google Alert to let me know when someone on the internet mentioned my name, I thought it would be a lot of fun. Maybe I could catch an old flame reminiscing, or one of the old bastards from the Legion talking shit about me.” said the man.

“The boy and I set it up to send me an email every time my full name was mentioned, as well as a couple of variations of my initials and last name, just to cover all my bases. I didn’t think much of it, until I checked an hour later and had 789 million emails, which is about 788,999,992 more than I normally get in a day.”

“I have read a lot of confusing things about myself in the last little bit, some saying I’m the most important thing to happen in the history of the United States, others (which I assume are mostly my ex-wife) calling me some pretty horrible things.”

Although completely overwhelmed, the man insists he is going to read and respond to every single one of the comments that resulted in an alert.

“Mark my words, each and every one of these people is going to get an earful from Mr. Uriah Samuel Election!”