Attn: Bob Tuschman
V.P. / General Manager
Food Network
Dear Mr. Tuschman,
Writing this letter, I can’t help but feel a little like Princess Leia. Not the hair or clothing or anything. I’m not even a woman. I just meant the part at the beginning of “A New Hope” where she’s reaching out to Obi Wan Kenobi because he is her only hope.
You, Mr. Tuschman, are our only hope. As General Manager/Vice President of the Food Network, our fate is in your hands.
As a frequent consumer of your programming, I have noticed a disturbing trend developing. A trend that is in many ways worse than the rampant white supremacy and its underlying illiteracy that is threatening to tear your country apart.
Of course this trend I’m speaking of is the constant overuse of the term ‘umami’ on your network. It’s an awful word for the fifth basic taste and it needs to stop. It doesn’t even fit with the other four tastes. Seriously, let’s play the ‘one of these things doesn’t belong’ game. Sweet, Sour, Bitter, Salty, Umami. It doesn’t take a Sesame Street level genius to figure that one out.
Don’t believe me? Do me a favor. Look at yourself in the mirror and try to describe something using the word umami without looking like a smug douchebag. Go ahead, I’ll wait. (Spoiler alert: it’s impossible.)
I understand that hosting a food related program without being able to describe a savory type of taste could be challenging so I have an alternative that I think will serve the purpose nicely.
It is my belief that if you replace the word ‘umami’ with the word ‘fergalicious’ the world will be a far better place. First of all, it’s still different enough to catch the ear of the viewer and have them pay attention. Most importantly though, it’s just silly enough that it should be difficult to overuse. Your hosts are unlikely to throw it around because they think it sounds cool, so they will only use it when it’s absolutely necessary.
Thanks to the power of your network and its influence over the culinary world I have no doubts that we can be successful in this endeavor.
Warmest Regards,
Brady Irvine