TLC, the network that brought you hit shows such as Little People Big World, 17 Kids and Counting, 19 Kids and Counting, sMothered, My 600 Pound Life, Dr. Pimple Popper and 37 variations of 90 Day Fiancé is casting for its upcoming 2021 lineup. If you are interested in the kind of fame or infamy that only scripted reality TV exposure can deliver, read the list below and apply to any and all roles you feel you are suited for. Due to the high volume of applications submitted, only successful applicants will be contacted.

Ice Road Hookers – Seeking escorts/companions of any gender, because an icy road is a lonely road.

Little People, Big Boobs – Seeking ‘little people’ (of any gender) willing to let our cameras follow along on their journey to get enormous breast implants.

Sweet Mother of God, Stop Counting – Seeking oddly creepy parents willing to exploit their incredibly large families for fun and profit.

90 Day Fiancé: Unbelievable – Seeking stock photo models who struggle with online dating due to catfishers using your photos for evil.

Say Yes to the Prenup – Seeking wealthy men engaged to high maintenance women with “crazy eyes” looking for the perfect prenuptial agreement to protect their assets while avoiding a fight that could potentially get you stabbed with a broken wine glass.

Queer Eye for the KKK – Seeking ignorant hilbilies with poor grooming habits and a heart of gold. Fellas, put down those torches and pick up some moisturizer, the Fab Five are headed south.

Pimp my Lawn: featuring Xzibit – Seeking homeowners with responsibilities that realize a little landscaping is more beneficial to their net worth than spinning rims and a karaoke bar in their Dodge Caravan.

In a move that can only be described as inspirational, Irwin Marvinson (46 but looks 68), the world’s sickest man, upped his game earlier this week and slipped in an icy parking lot. 

“You know, some people would coast after holding the title of world’s sickest man for 8 years straight, but that’s not how I was raised.” Marvinson told reporters. “I live my life by the Japanese principle of Kaizen or constant improvement. Sure, I already only have about 15% lung capacity, and a slight gust of wind will peel my skin like a slice of processed cheese, and people tell me I usually smell like some odd sort of cheese. Hmm, I wonder if I have some sort of undiagnosed cheese related illness. Excuse me while I consult a specialist…”

But it’s not all fun and games for the local telemarketer/pharmacy M.V.P. 

“Juggling what would be a lifetime worth of doctor’s appointments to a normal man every month with a full time job isn’t easy.  Being incredibly frail isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either, I mean the slip and fall accident I suffered would have given anyone a healthy bruise, a senior citizen could have easily broken a hip.  My bones are mostly powder so it’s off to another specialist for me.”

Most of Marvinson’s coworkers are supportive.

“In a day and age where people put the minimum effort into almost everything, here is a guy at the top of his sickness game, continuing to put the work in day after day. You’ve gotta respect that. Normally you hate to see a guy take a fall like that, especially at his age, I mean what is he, 70? The only bad thing is how much we miss him when he’s off sick or at the lung specialist or the stomach specialist or the arthritis doctor or the regular doctor or the dentist or the pharmacy. This place just isn’t the same without the faint smell of cheese in the air.”

So in a world that seems overwhelmed with problems, you can rest easy knowing that Irwin Marvinson is hard at work creating generational wealth for a small portion of the medical community. Not all heroes wear capes.

What started out as a bit of fun turned into a bit of a nightmare for one Saskatchewan resident.

“When my grandson showed me how to set up a Google Alert to let me know when someone on the internet mentioned my name, I thought it would be a lot of fun. Maybe I could catch an old flame reminiscing, or one of the old bastards from the Legion talking shit about me.” said the man.

“The boy and I set it up to send me an email every time my full name was mentioned, as well as a couple of variations of my initials and last name, just to cover all my bases. I didn’t think much of it, until I checked an hour later and had 789 million emails, which is about 788,999,992 more than I normally get in a day.”

“I have read a lot of confusing things about myself in the last little bit, some saying I’m the most important thing to happen in the history of the United States, others (which I assume are mostly my ex-wife) calling me some pretty horrible things.”

Although completely overwhelmed, the man insists he is going to read and respond to every single one of the comments that resulted in an alert.

“Mark my words, each and every one of these people is going to get an earful from Mr. Uriah Samuel Election!”