Short of ethically-questionable injections, we’re often limited to sharing the endorphin rush of nostalgia with people around our age. Today’s children don’t understand why everyone is smoking in our baby pictures any more than we understood why people were wearing onions as fashion accessories in our grandparents’ old pictures. (It’s because it was the style at the time. — Ed.)

While there is certainly momentary entertainment to be derived from pointing out the differences between lawn darts and Snapchat, we have decided to instead focus on the common experiences that tie all of our childhoods together. No matter when you grew up, no matter where you grew up, since the beginning of time these five people have lived in every neighborhood, everywhere…

The Guy Who Had No Good Ideas — Ever

Remember this guy? His name was usually Richard, and he always had the worst ideas. Not the ideas that seemed good at the time but eventually got you in trouble, that was a different guy. You’re thinking of Robbie. Richard’s ideas were always stupid enough to not even consider them. When coming up with an activity for the day, Richard would suggest something like going door to door asking people for their opinion on abortion. Ugh, shut up, Richard!

The Guy Who Was Obsessed with Model Airplanes

Ahh, Todd. How many afternoons did Todd spend explaining the most minute details of his latest project? You don’t know any more than I do because fuck us running if we were listening to that noise. Todd was boring as hell. I used to just wait for my turn with the glue. Then he’d be all, “Oh, don’t drop my stupid model or whatever!” (or throw it at a building, depending on your proximity to 9/11). Our teachers all thought Todd would go far in life, but where is he now? Did he grow up to be a pilot or a professional model man or a terrorist? No, he’s still in his parents’ basement, huffing glue. I think he has a pet spider or something. Also, his parents might be dead. Something is pretty smelly upstairs.

The Guy Who Believed Every Rumor He Ever Heard

Did you hear the school principal was embezzling money? How else could he afford that new Pontiac Sunfire? Not only did Cory believe absolutely everything anyone told him, but he also had the rare ability to repeat it verbatim with absolute confidence that it was 100% fact. God forbid if you ever had a theory, though, like why his parents didn’t want him. Then Mr. “It-All-Makes-Sense” was all, “Why? Why?”

(I almost didn’t include Cory because I didn’t believe he was as common as the others on the list. I thought he might be a little too obscure and I’d lose some of you, however after a brief break scrolling through social media I met — and blocked — most of your Corys.)

The Guy Who Always Smelled Like Milk

What can I tell you about this guy? I didn’t know his name, or much about him other than he smelled like milk. What a weird thing to smell like. No one was really friends with him, but I do know that you didn’t want to be too close to him on a sunny day. Also, he seemed older than the rest of us, like way too old to be in our class. The gullible rumor kid was convinced he was a Nazi war criminal in hiding. I don’t know, maybe the milk smell was the result of some kind of ungodly experimentation with calcium? I guess you’d have to read the Nuremberg nutritional report.

The Guy Who Always Had Eggs In His Pockets

C’mon, you knew this guy had to be number one, right? Who else could it be? This guy was a pretty versatile chap when we were growing up. He was always ready with an ‘eggcellent’ egg-related pun complete with a visual aid that really completed the joke, he could juggle, he was voted most likely to hatch a baby bird… Cory said he got his legs broke by the Bacon Bureau, but I know better. He got his legs broke by the Milk Magistrate.

Well, there you have it. I hope you enjoyed this trip down Memory Lane, no matter how old you are or where you lived. It’s nice to take a break from focusing on all of the things that divide us to celebrate the common experiences we all share and remember the freaks that unite us as a mob of decent, normal people.

Okay thanks, bye.