INT. COMPUTER SCREEN – ZOOM MEETING – DAY

Four well dressed, middle aged women are on the screen, a meeting is about to start.

BETH

Okay girls, I call this meeting of the Westlake Neighborhood Association to order.

SARA

Ugh, I miss doing these in person. (Holds up glass of wine) This feels too much like drinking alone.

BETH

Well. You would certainly know, Sara. (beat) First order of business, the creepy new guy that just moved in across the street. What can we do?

MARY

Maybe we should send one of our husbands over there to inform ‘Mr. T-shirt and sweatpants’ that this is a quiet family neighborhood?

JANE

You know what I heard? Wanda Jones said the FedEx driver dropped our new neighbors package off at her place by accident, and when she went to return it the guy was filming some sort of sick movie in his living room!

BETH, MARY, SARA

NO!

JANE

YES!

SARA

You don’t think he’s one of those-

JANE

Well. You know how that Wanda is, she wasn’t sure exactly WHAT kind it was but with the noises coming out of there it was definitely meant for one of those awful internet sites.

BETH

Still want to send our husbands over there Mary?

MARY

Heavens no! I don’t need my husband getting any ideas.

SARA

And what are we supposed to tell our children?!? The last thing we need is for them to get the idea that they can make a living like that.

BETH

Well we have to tell them something, they aren’t babies anymore. They’re going to figure it out. Isn’t it better that they hear it from us?

MARY

Oh right Beth, and how do you propose to tell our impressionable young children that we have a-- a YouTuber in the neighborhood? Do you want your kids on the internet making (shudders) unboxing videos?

JANE

Well now Mary, we don’t know for sure it’s YouTube. It could be that new Tik Tok thing?

MARY

What if he’s an Instagram Influencer?

All four ladies gag simultaneously as if throwing up in their mouths a little bit.

JANE

(panicking) This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to this neighborhood. What do we do Mary? Should we put our house up for sale? Send our kids to boarding school? Burn a cross on his lawn?

Suddenly a notification chimes, as MARCUS, a 34 year old man in sweatpants and a t-shirt enters the meeting.

MARCUS

(obviously rehearsed)Hello, my name is Marcus. I just moved into the neighborhood and I’m required by law to introduce myself. As well I need to inf-

BETH

Well at least you people are required to warn us now. Which one is it? YouTube? Snapchat? Tik Tok?

MARCUS

Huh? No, I must inform you that I am a registered sex offender. If you could kindly keep your children at least 150 feet from my h-

SARA

Sex offender? Oh thank God!

MARCUS

(confused) I, Uh-

JANE

We were worried you were some kind of internet celebrity, or an (pause) Instagram influencer.

All five of them gag as if throwing up in their mouths a little bit.

MARCUS

Ew, no. I was caught trying to make friends at an elementary school playground with a Pez dispenser sticking out of my fly...

MARY

What a relief!

BETH

Welcome to the neighborhood Marcus, we had you pegged all wrong. Meeting adjourned.