INT. COMPUTER SCREEN – ZOOM MEETING – DAY
Four well dressed, middle aged women are on the screen, a meeting is about to start.
BETH
Okay girls, I call this meeting of the Westlake Neighborhood Association to order.
SARA
Ugh, I miss doing these in person. (Holds up glass of wine) This feels too much like drinking alone.
BETH
Well. You would certainly know, Sara. (beat) First order of business, the creepy new guy that just moved in across the street. What can we do?
MARY
Maybe we should send one of our husbands over there to inform ‘Mr. T-shirt and sweatpants’ that this is a quiet family neighborhood?
JANE
You know what I heard? Wanda Jones said the FedEx driver dropped our new neighbors package off at her place by accident, and when she went to return it the guy was filming some sort of sick movie in his living room!
BETH, MARY, SARA
NO!
JANE
YES!
SARA
You don’t think he’s one of those-
JANE
Well. You know how that Wanda is, she wasn’t sure exactly WHAT kind it was but with the noises coming out of there it was definitely meant for one of those awful internet sites.
BETH
Still want to send our husbands over there Mary?
MARY
Heavens no! I don’t need my husband getting any ideas.
SARA
And what are we supposed to tell our children?!? The last thing we need is for them to get the idea that they can make a living like that.
BETH
Well we have to tell them something, they aren’t babies anymore. They’re going to figure it out. Isn’t it better that they hear it from us?
MARY
Oh right Beth, and how do you propose to tell our impressionable young children that we have a-- a YouTuber in the neighborhood? Do you want your kids on the internet making (shudders) unboxing videos?
JANE
Well now Mary, we don’t know for sure it’s YouTube. It could be that new Tik Tok thing?
MARY
What if he’s an Instagram Influencer?
All four ladies gag simultaneously as if throwing up in their mouths a little bit.
JANE
(panicking) This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to this neighborhood. What do we do Mary? Should we put our house up for sale? Send our kids to boarding school? Burn a cross on his lawn?
Suddenly a notification chimes, as MARCUS, a 34 year old man in sweatpants and a t-shirt enters the meeting.
MARCUS
(obviously rehearsed)Hello, my name is Marcus. I just moved into the neighborhood and I’m required by law to introduce myself. As well I need to inf-
BETH
Well at least you people are required to warn us now. Which one is it? YouTube? Snapchat? Tik Tok?
MARCUS
Huh? No, I must inform you that I am a registered sex offender. If you could kindly keep your children at least 150 feet from my h-
SARA
Sex offender? Oh thank God!
MARCUS
(confused) I, Uh-
JANE
We were worried you were some kind of internet celebrity, or an (pause) Instagram influencer.
All five of them gag as if throwing up in their mouths a little bit.
MARCUS
Ew, no. I was caught trying to make friends at an elementary school playground with a Pez dispenser sticking out of my fly...
MARY
What a relief!
BETH
Welcome to the neighborhood Marcus, we had you pegged all wrong. Meeting adjourned.